Zero stars.
Originally Published On Saturday, April 12, 2014.
SPOILERS
Yeah, this is one of those movies that likes to suck you in with the cover art. It may have a cheesy title, but you think, "How could I possibly go wrong? It's sure to be camp?"
You would be sadly, sadly mistaken. This is bird-bomb to the mouth, ultra-runny 100% angus shit. This is so bad that Troma pictures probably wouldn't release it. That's funny, because Lloyd Kaufman shows up in a cameo in this movie. And for reasons Stephen Hawking couldn't understand, they named one of the characters in reference. So, we have a cameo from the president of Troma and a character name homage at the same time. Jesus. H. Christ.
But let's get to the true problem. Forget the absurdity of a van some deviant has rigged with three hundred torture devices that would put Jigsaw to shame. Forget that Lloyd Kaufman is in this movie. The problem with this movie is that has no pulse. The majority of the runtime is spent waiting for the inevitable showdown between the van killer and the main character Campbell Jackson (Kolodziej). Jackson is this failed actor that has returned to Detroit, broke, without a job and no wheels. Upon returning home, he gets a new job working at a carwash. Despite the stresses of dealing with an odd boss and cavalier chiba-monkey co-workers, he manages to strike up a relationship with office secretary Amy (Werhell). Still, Campbell ain't got no wheels. So what does he do to impress his new ladyfriend? He decides to call about a piece of shit of shit pedo-van sitting along a side street. The title van of the piece. Because nothing impresses the ladies like a vehicle that says you're into abductions.
And ya know what? They make constant jokes about this too. A large hunk of this movie's existence is to be a joke about creep 1970s vans. Clever writing guys. This draws the attention of the creep, who leaves dozens of obscene messages for Campbell, channeling the attic killer from Black Xmas '74.
Back to the main narrative, or lack thereof, Campbell makes a new friend when he saves the life of con-artist/religious guru Swami Ted (played by Collin Bernsen, son of LA Law's Corbin Bernsen). Ted fervently agrees to help Campbell after the creep kills his oversexed roommate and kidnaps Amy.
Oh yeah, I haven't mentioned the roommate. The attempts to make this dipshit comedy relief is an exercise in masochism. For instance, we're expected to buy that this guy and his ladyfriend contorted themselves into one of those igloo doghouses to have sex. Then, we have these awkward scenes where Campbell is conversing with them. During which, they're donning their oh-so-scandalous erotic gear. The whole affair really has that nail scraping the chalkboard quality to it. Thankfully, they're both put out of their misery when the creep crashes the van into their pad and massacres them.
Any, Campbell and Ted face off against the creep. As a result, everybody except Campbell ends up dead. To make matters worse, director Scott McKinlay ends this fucking thing the best way he can - by having Campbell accidentally kill Amy, thus implicating him in the murders. And the idiot cops just point the finger straight at him and force him through the system more quickly than humanly possible. Never mind the fact that there's extensive evidence that proves Campbell didn't kill this people, such as the fact he couldn't have been present for many of the OTHER MURDERS. No, he's obviously the fucking killer. The last we see of Campbell shows him receiving electro-convulsion therapy in some unnamed clinic. I guess they didn't want to show him getting a lobotomy. Then audiences would have expected a large Native American to throw a sink through a window.
I guess what ultimately pisses me off is that a little better story and better use of the recording equipment could have produced something much more entertaining. Instead, we get the contrived camp that collects dust on the shelves of Family Video. If you decide to go more in favor of Junior and not Ginger Snaps, then perhaps you should consider working in another medium.
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