Black Christmas (2006). Starring Michelle Trachtenberg, Lacey Chabert and Kristen Cloke.
Three stars.
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON DECEMBER 24th, 2013.
(SPOILERS: This movie reveals vital elements of both the remake and the original 1974 classic Bob Clark film. If have not seen either film, please stop here and watch them before proceeding further.)
So for those of you who hated the original Black Christmas (brought to you by the same man who directed A Christmas Story, Porky's and, his greatest film, Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things), here's a closure-filled remake produced by the late-auteur Bob Clark.
And thankfully, it's a decent remake. Considering it was directed by Final Destination series creator Glen Morgan, it's a miracle alone that this movie had any coherency. It still falls a little on the unnecessary side. But as far as I am concerned, if you were put off by the fact that the true killer is never revealed and that Jess is left in the house alone by the police, well - I can understand that. Those points are kind of weak when you think about it. I mean, it's spooky to not have the killer revealed on one hand. One the other, WHY IS JESS NEVER TAKEN TO A HOSPITAL? I know it's 1974, but I have a pretty good idea that police procedure probably involved having a victim examined in a clinical setting. Then again, what do I know? That was before my time.
Anyway, the new film introduces us to the obnoxious sorority crowd you usually find in this type of slasher. We have Michelle Trachtenberg fresh off Buffy: The Series as Melissa, the house lush. Lacey Chabert, aka Meg Griffin #1, is Dana, the well-intentioned yet spoiled southern rich girl who apparently doesn't know what an ice scraper is. There's Crystal Lowe as Lauren, the replacement girl for Margot Kidder's role from the original that mouths off way too much for her own good. There's also good girl Kelli (Katie Cassidy), who becomes the "final girl" of the movie. Lastly, we have the house mom, Mrs. MacArthur (Andrea Martin, "Phyllis" from the original movie in a cameo appearance), who is actually quite sober compared to the sister role from the original film.
Oh, I forgot to mention Clair (Leela Savasta). Much like her character in the original, she's dispatched almost immediately (albeit much more violently in this film) by an unseen force. She is believed missing after she doesn't show up for a ski trip. This invokes a visit from her much older half-sister Leigh (Cloke), who happens to be an alumni member of the house.
Anyway, while the whole gang (including Leigh) are gathered around for opening presents, the audience is introduced to this strange custom where the sisters buy a present for Billy Lenz, a homicidal maniac that previously lived in the house. Though varying flashbacks, we're told the story of how Billy came to be, from the murder of his father to the incestuous rape of himself by his mother and conception of his sister, Agnes. We discover that Billy eventually went nuts and made gingerbread men out of his mother's flesh. So in a nutshell, this is an attempt to explain the obscene phone caller ramblings from film numero-uno. In lieu of the Ma Bell phone trace in the '74 version, they had to go the same route the When a Stranger Calls remake / Scream and used cell phones that were randomly discarded by the victims. We also get this pointless subplot involving Kelli's ex-boyfriend Kyle (played by Oliver Hudson from Rules of Engagement) where they attempt to fake the most gullible viewer into thinking he's the killer, when we all know that's bullshit.
Little does the house know that Billy has escaped from the local loony bin, returning to go the Michael Myers route and murder everyone in the house. But the big twist? Apparently, Agnes had been hanging around another asylum and escaped a couple of weeks before. She actually begins the spree before Billy, killing Clair in the opening scene. So we have a brother-sister dynamic working together to spill blood during the Yuletide holiday. Billy and Clair slaughter almost everyone in the house, save for Clair and Leigh. This results in a trip to the hospital and a final showdown with the maniacs.
Although this one doesn't have the atmosphere that everyone allegedly likes about the original, it makes up for it in camp and hammy performances. It really is hard to improve on a film that is arguably the grandfather of the modern slasher film. But unlike Rob Zombie's disastrous attempt to remake Carpenter, Black '06 uses a similar backstory for the villain without dredging up a bunch of pretentious psychobabble. It's one of the better remakes of the 2000s, yet it was critically panned upon release due to fan-boy critic rage. Ignore it, ignore the low IMDb rating, because Black Christmas is worth at least one or two viewings around the final days to Christmas. This is especially true when everyone who should be giving holiday greetings are just getting on your nerves.
Merry Christmas 2013 everybody!
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